Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Thank you - and some explanation
I wish I had the time and the energy at the moment to do so and I wish I earned money through this blog which I don't (and it's a conscious decision not to, but it might feel more appropriate than to give it more time), I wish being very personal would feel right in my heart, but it doesn't since I grew older and became a mother. Also, when in Stockholm, I'm alone in the weeks and even though M is coming in the weekends, I'm very, very tired when Alexis is put to bed.
When I posted more about my life in general, motherhood and all of the problems and issues that come as a result of that (someone said I didn't, but look under the "being pregnant" and "being a mother" tags and you'll see), when I did more cooking recipes and beauty - many complained about how little fashion was on the blog at the time and asked every day for more outfit pictures. When I now post more of them, everything else seems to be more in demand. It's hard to please everyone and that's not even my intention: that would be impossible.
You also have to understand that my life is far from perfect and that what I'm choosing to put here is of course the more romantic side of my life. It's not totally true; I'm a human being and I have my low days like everyone else where I have doubts about my life and the situation I'm in. It's human and natural to do so. I fight with M and get upset, I get sad - just like anyone else that lives a healthy life - it's full of everything in a dynamic mix.
I also live a very normal life taking care of a small child 24/7. It's stressful and very energy consuming. It's messy and sometimes I wonder how to live with it and sometimes I feel like the best mother in the universe. I do everything like everyone else even though I don't always write about it. But I would die of boredom if I entered a blog and read about their washing, flower watering activities and all of that. For me, my blog's goal is to be something beautiful, something that takes you away from that everyday truth and makes you feel good and inspired. It almost disgusts me nowadays when mature men and women open their entire lives in a blog and write about every single little feeling, problem ... etc.
So my conclusion is that I post the best parts of my life. I'm aware that I'm blessed in many different ways but not as much as many of you might think. My biggest happiness are Alexis, my man, my family and friends. The lovely trips, clothing and restaurants are wonderful but it would have less meaning if I wouldn't feel the other, more important ingredients in my life.
Another interesting anecdote is that since our son came into our lives, so many things became clear. It was truly such a change that it felt like I had lived my life in 2D until he came and ever since I've been living it in 3D. It was like a religious ceremony when he arrived. Suddenly everything made sense and I just felt like I understood my role in this world at a totally different level. That might also be the reason why I do not feel the N E E D to write about so many spiritual things anymore. I found the biggest source of happiness and fulfillment. And it's also the toughest job and mission I've ever laid my hands on, yet certainly the most beautiful gifts in this world come from the biggest struggles.
My life is about my son and future children and will always be in some way or another. That doesn't mean that I've lost myself or that everything else that I loved when I was single or without a child has disappeared. But it does mean that everything is harder, needs more organisation and that I have very little time for myself. And when I do have a moment, taking a shower and eating lunch are more important that writing a deep and thought through text about life wisdom on this blog. I very often also feel that when it comes to that specific subject, I've already written so much about it in the passed years and those former posts can easily be found under the different labels to the left in this blog.
Writing in English has become an of course thing ever since I met M and live half of my life in Switzerland and have so many readers every day from all around the world. It would be very boring to only have one group of native readers, no matter which. It's so much more fun and interesting to have readers from different cultures, countries, cities: it gives it a better balance I would say.
That I express myself better in and more strongly in Swedish is absolutely true. It's my mother tongue and I've always taken the Swedish language very seriously and usually have a broad knowledge and large vocabulary. I always had the highest grades in literature and Swedish in higher education - which I obviously lack in the English.
One person wrote that my language is pretentious, but that's just tactless in my way of seeing things. In fact, many would benefit using a broader vocabulary and learn how to play with words and sentences. I love finding someone that has an amazing language knowledge with so many words that I don't usually find in our every day media society. I try to explore new words and write better every day in English. So far, I'm learning, but since I've started to write in English, I feel that it has improved a lot.
Another perspective to all of this is that I'm in an enormous change in my life where I consider moving to Switzerland to gather my family. That keeps my mind occupied and there is so many "ifs", "whats" and "maybes" that I'm very often so confused that it would be impossible to write something that made sense at the moment. Our whole family is in a deep and necessary change - and often you understand it better after it's been solved than during the process. It takes so much energy out of my mind and soul to prepare for this change and just finding a nicer apartment here in Zürich feels like a mission.
As soon as we move into a lovely apartment (hopefully) here in Zurich and I have my proper cooking tools, space and when I can finally start relaxing a little bit more at home, I'm sure the cooking posts, for example, will increase. Everything else also perhaps. But for the time being, I really do my best to give you a post per day at least that has some sort of meaning.
I could write about my career, but it has been on hold ever since I've been on mother's leave, for obvious reasons. Then you should know that Ellipseklinikken has been bought by Akademikliniken and what will happen in the future is therefore uncertain. Don't be mistaken: I love my career and have always taken it very seriously,and will continue to do so as soon as I am back. Nevertheless, I've always kept my profession away from my blog as much as possible: I don't think it would be serious to combine both. This blog is about small parts of my life whereas my profession is practice at the clinic.
With all of this said, I hope you understand me a little bit better and understand why it might have developed into something a little different lately. I write about what's in my life at the moment and this is small parts of exactly that. I do want to say that I really, really, from the bottom of my heart, appreciate and read all of your comments and they are the biggest motivation. I try to answer as many as possible and apologise if any feel neglected.
Lot's of love