Thursday, January 31, 2013
Like always I very often battle between my need to be private, but yet personal, for the fact that I think we all can inspire each other by being honest and tell that life is not always a shrimp cocktail and bubbly Champagne. But yet I feel so disgustingly naked when I open myself too much, like if something important have been taken away from my inner self and being published for anyone to read. But sometimes life is just shit, hard, doubtful, black, sad and we feel lack of energy, lack of life joy and lack of most things.
I can open my heart to the extend where I frankly will say that since mid December somewhere, I've found myself in a personal chaos. In my mind and in my body. I've gone through so much the last couple of years, and moving to another country, giving up most things in life that for me had a great value - is hard. Extremely painful sometimes and it all accumulated inside of me and suddenly I felt just so blue, low and I questioned everything, my decisions I've made and the hope I had for mine and our family's future.
Normally I have quite an easy time finding beauty and pleasure in life. Very often in the small things and I take great pride in being able to do so. But lately the joy felt gone and things I normally loved or liked, I just couldn't find the meaning with them. Nothing felt fun, nothing felt like it had some sort of value to it and it became very obvious when I rather stayed at home, then exploring the day. I guess the exciting feeling of moving to a new city, which always are bubbly and curios in the beginning, went in the opposite direction after a while. Instead of taking advantage of a new city, I started to compare and evaluate it towards Stockholm and other cities that seemed to have much more of the things I needed and wanted. The things I loved from the beginning with Zürich, the sunny summer weather, the long autumn, Chanel five minutes walk from our apartment and the lovely bakeries, suddenly felt shallow and lacked all sorts of real purpose and greatness. I needed something more and really didn't know where to find it.
My spiritual path in life, that always been my best friend, something strong and powerful have had to go away from lack of time, energy and motherhood. Really, I haven't read a book since two years I think because as soon as I'm doing so, my eyelids feels so heavy and sleep always feels like the most important choice.
Being a mother on leave/ a stay at home mother for a year and a half which I've been now, is the most wonderful gift you can give to your children if you ask me. I'm brought up that way, with a very present mother and I know what wonderful benefits that gives to a child of having the comfort, the calmness, the attention and love I think every little child deserve growing up. In most countries this great possibility is not even there and a mother leave is in the best three (!!!) month long and then it's back to reality and leaving the new born in some nursery. So I shouldn't complain at all. But I have to be honest and tell you that even though this has been the best time of my life, raising our son personally, it's also been the biggest challenge. Not so much for the fact that I've took care of him, more the lack of me, Stina and other sort of stimulations that I'm use to and blending my mother hood with other things in life. It was so much easier to do so in Sweden where I've already had built up so much and had a strong platform, here in Zürich I have a couple of nice friends, but nothing more. M is coming home late at night and all through the day it's Alexis and me, me and Alexis. Zürich a not a very child friendly city, not to mention that it's the second most expensive city in the world. Not always that fun let me tell you.
Slowly but surly I felt this sort of "blueness" coming over me. I felt low and sad most of the times, not when I spent time with Alexis, but nevertheless, it was an ongoing shade that really wouldn't leave me and I felt more and more that I closed myself and that's never I good sign. I've been having more or less all sorts of horrible experiences with these things in my younger days, and therefor know that it's really important to take them seriously. Having these feelings is the best source from the soul and mind that something needs a change and you are in charge over your body and also the only one who can take commando over the situation. But how do you do that when all your normal security net is 2h flight from you, where no one speaks your language and you don't even feel familiar with anything. The greyness from the yearly season was not exactly helping and I know I'm super sensitive to the weather. I need it to be warm, sunny or at least light to feel good. Neither Sweden or Switzerland is a option for having either of it.
Then my health got extremely bad on top of that for reasons I might tell you another time and that wasn't really helping. I felt like a lonely eremite, crawling around at home and just feeling so horrible in my body which made me feel even worse in my soul and spirit. And God did I long back, to my family, friends, career, opportunities I had in Stockholm, things that was my daily more lively life over there. And here I was, needing to start all over again, in a city that was totally new where everything felt like a mission to get over. Especially when you have a adorable toddler with you most of the times.
I don't think any parents would say their relationship didn't change after having children. Of course it does, especially for the mother. Carrying a child with all the hormones, body changes, emotions, life changes is extremely beautiful but yet hard. It takes some time getting use to and men do not always understand our change. M is a very kind man, but even him feels my constant tiredness and my lack of energy is frustrating. But how could they really understand when not walking the same sort of shoes. They can't. And all the passion we had before we had children is still there somewhere, hidden among Alexis needs, lack of time and lack of a lot of things, quality time spent together as an example - and all parents miss that but it's hard to schedule things that needs to come from the heart, natural. So we're just like all other parents i guess, and that little frustration wasn't exactly helping either.
I'm not sure what I want to express with this post, more then a reality check and some words of honesty. The health, in heart, mind, soul and body is the most important of all things in life. That I've experiences throughout my life on earth, time after time after time. Without that balance of wellbeing nothing matters, or matters very little.
I consider myself very strong, but still i'm human and reacts to circumstances and things happening in life. With all the things i've gone through the last five years I'm trying to not be to hard on myself and understand that this probably is a natural reaction that would occur sooner or later. For you who haven't followed me so long, it's been getting the answer I can't have children, hormon treatments and IVF for a couple of years with my ex-husband, divorcing him, meeting M very soon after, getting pregnant with him when we didn't even live in the same country. Being pregnant pretty much by myself with M visiting in the weekends, taking care of Alexis for more then one year pretty much by myself with the same setup with M coming in the weekends. Realising that we need to make a change and M would't get his career going in Stockholm so I had to give up my beloved one there and pack my things to Zürich which was never my favourite country or city and starting my life over here. Quite much to handle emotionally.
So here I am. Confused and sometimes angry at everything. Questioning why life can never really be just easy. But then I know that this is typical my life. Dynamic, full of ups and downs, beauty and sadness in a wonderful mix most of the times. It's a life long mission of getting the balance in it, but i know that after a period like this, something remarkable will happen and appear. It always does and I keep my focus and vision on that.
So, we're all humans, living the life we have in our hands and even though it's not always fun and easy, we learn from it and collect the memories which in the long run creates mountains of thankfulness and awareness of what we have and the power of your own possibilities to make it better, little by little.
Now my biggest project every day is to find my normal self back, or a new version of it. Positivism nurture positivism and negativism nurture negativism. The more I focus on what I have, even if it's small, I know that it will all be better soon. I just need to tell you all that this is life and If you're in the same sort of shade as me, remember that after a down hill, it can only get better and brighter. You need to take demand over your own self and focus on what you WANT instead of what you DON'T WANT.