Thursday, January 31, 2013

This to, shall pass ...

There's so many things I would like to share with you readers in this moment. Things that runs through my mind, that keeps me busy in my thoughts and that makes me question a lot of things in life.
Like always I very often battle between my need to be private, but yet personal, for the fact that I think we all can inspire each other by being honest and tell that life is not always a shrimp cocktail and bubbly Champagne. But yet I feel so disgustingly naked when I open myself too much, like if something important have been taken away from my inner self and being published for anyone to read. But sometimes life is just shit, hard, doubtful, black, sad and we feel lack of energy, lack of life joy and lack of most things.
I can open my heart to the extend where I frankly will say that since mid December somewhere, I've found myself in a personal chaos. In my mind and in my body. I've gone through so much the last couple of years, and moving to another country, giving up most things in life that for me had a great value - is hard. Extremely painful sometimes and it all accumulated inside of me and suddenly I felt just so blue, low and I questioned everything, my decisions I've made and the hope I had for mine and our family's future.
Normally I have quite an easy time finding beauty and pleasure in life. Very often in the small things and I take great pride in being able to do so. But lately the joy felt gone and things I normally loved or liked, I just couldn't find the meaning with them. Nothing felt fun, nothing felt like it had some sort of value to it and it became very obvious when I rather stayed at home, then exploring the day. I guess the exciting feeling of moving to a new city, which always are bubbly and curios in the beginning, went in the opposite direction after a while. Instead of taking advantage of a new city, I started to compare and evaluate it towards Stockholm and other cities that seemed to have much more of the things I needed and wanted. The things I loved from the beginning with Zürich, the sunny summer weather, the long autumn, Chanel five minutes walk from our apartment and the lovely bakeries, suddenly felt shallow and lacked all sorts of real purpose and greatness. I needed something more and really didn't know where to find it.
My spiritual path in life, that always been my best friend, something strong and powerful have had to go away from lack of time, energy and motherhood. Really, I haven't read a book since two years I think because as soon as I'm doing so, my eyelids feels so heavy and sleep always feels like the most important choice.

Being a mother on leave/ a stay at home mother for a year and a half which I've been now, is the most wonderful gift you can give to your children if you ask me. I'm brought up that way, with a very present mother and I know what wonderful benefits that gives to a child of having the comfort, the calmness, the attention and love I think every little child deserve growing up. In most countries this great possibility is not even there and a mother leave is in the best three (!!!) month long and then it's back to reality and leaving the new born in some nursery. So I shouldn't complain at all. But I have to be honest and tell you that even though this has been the best time of my life, raising our son personally, it's also been the biggest challenge. Not so much for the fact that I've took care of him, more the lack of me, Stina and other sort of stimulations that I'm use to and blending my mother hood with other things in life. It was so much easier to do so in Sweden where I've already had built up so much and had a strong platform, here in Zürich I have a couple of nice friends, but nothing more. M is coming home late at night and all through the day it's Alexis and me, me and Alexis. Zürich a not a very child friendly city, not to mention that it's the second most expensive city in the world. Not always that fun let me tell you.
Slowly but surly I felt this sort of "blueness" coming over me. I felt low and sad most of the times, not when I spent time with Alexis, but nevertheless, it was an ongoing shade that really wouldn't leave me and I felt more and more that I closed myself and that's never I good sign. I've been having more or less all sorts of horrible experiences with these things in my younger days, and therefor know that it's really important to take them seriously. Having these feelings is the best source from the soul and mind that something needs a change and you are in charge over your body and also the only one who can take commando over the situation. But how do you do that when all your normal security net is 2h flight from you, where no one speaks your language and you don't even feel familiar with anything. The greyness from the yearly season was not exactly helping and I know I'm super sensitive to the weather. I need it to be warm, sunny or at least light to feel good. Neither Sweden or Switzerland is a option for having either of it.

Then my health got extremely bad on top of that for reasons I might tell you another time and that wasn't really helping. I felt like a lonely eremite, crawling around at home and just feeling so horrible in my body which made me feel even worse in my soul and spirit. And God did I long back, to my family, friends, career, opportunities I had in Stockholm, things that was my daily more lively life over there. And here I was, needing to start all over again, in a city that was totally new where everything felt like a mission to get over. Especially when you have a adorable toddler with you most of the times.

I don't think any parents would say their relationship didn't change after having children. Of course it does, especially for the mother. Carrying a child with all the hormones, body changes, emotions, life changes is extremely beautiful but yet hard. It takes some time getting use to and men do not always understand our change. M is a very kind man, but even him feels my constant tiredness and my lack of energy is frustrating. But how could they really understand when not walking the same sort of shoes. They can't. And all the passion we had before we had children is still there somewhere, hidden among Alexis needs, lack of time and lack of a lot of things, quality time spent together as an example - and all parents miss that but it's hard to schedule things that needs to come from the heart, natural. So we're just like all other parents i guess, and that little frustration wasn't exactly helping either.

I'm not sure what I want to express with this post, more then a reality check and some words of honesty. The health, in heart, mind, soul and body is the most important of all things in life. That I've experiences throughout my life on earth, time after time after time. Without that balance of wellbeing nothing matters, or matters very little.

I consider myself very strong, but still i'm human and reacts to circumstances and things happening in life. With all the things i've gone through the last five years I'm trying to not be to hard on myself and understand that this probably is a natural reaction that would occur sooner or later. For you who haven't followed me so long, it's been getting the answer I can't have children, hormon treatments and IVF for a couple of years with my ex-husband, divorcing him, meeting M very soon after, getting pregnant with him when we didn't even live in the same country. Being pregnant pretty much by myself with M visiting in the weekends, taking care of Alexis for more then one year pretty much by myself with the same setup with M coming in the weekends. Realising that we need to make a change and M would't get his career going in Stockholm so I had to give up my beloved one there and pack my things to Zürich which was never my favourite country or city and starting my life over here. Quite much to handle emotionally.
So here I am. Confused and sometimes angry at everything. Questioning why life can never really be just easy. But then I know that this is typical my life. Dynamic, full of ups and downs, beauty and sadness in a wonderful mix most of the times. It's a life long mission of getting the balance in it, but i know that after a period like this, something remarkable will happen and appear. It always does and I keep my focus and vision on that.
So, we're all humans, living the life we have in our hands and even though it's not always fun and easy, we learn from it and collect the memories which in the long run creates mountains of thankfulness and awareness of what we have and the power of your own possibilities to make it better, little by little.

Now my biggest project every day is to find my normal self back, or a new version of it. Positivism nurture positivism and negativism nurture negativism. The more I focus on what I have, even if it's small, I know that it will all be better soon. I just need to tell you all that this is life and If you're in the same sort of shade as me, remember that after a down hill, it can only get better and brighter. You need to take demand over your own self and focus on what you WANT instead of what you DON'T WANT.



  1. You are a deep introspective thinker which in this world of fluffy blogs is so unusual. As fellow blogger I understand that you want open up and yet not too much. Isolation brings all of us down , I work from home and sometimes I can go two days or more without even using my voice, I can easily flatline with depression so I completely understand what you mean about being home "alone" all day; this combined with your move, motherhood and not having your friends around you, well it is only natural
    I hope better times and moods are just around the corner for you, this to shall pass.

  2. Det är är kloka ord du har. Tror det är sunt att stanna upp lite och tänka efter - även om man kanske inte kommer fram till någon lösning på det som gnager. Men som du skriver: det går upp och ned hela tiden. Tack för att du påminner mig om att lägga fokus på det man trånar efter och är tacksam för, snarare än det trista och betungande. Bortsett från dina vackra bilder så är just dessa pigga påminnelser största anledningen till att jag läser din blogg. Jag behöver dessa för att orka ta tag i mina bekymmer. Visst siktar vi på en strålande vår?

  3. Det är en sån här text som gör att vi gillar din blogg, du är öppen och visar alla sidor MEN är personlig inte för privat. Jag önskar dig allt gott i livet.

  4. you need an mother - child group...

  5. Stina, first of all I would like to thank you for writing this post. I am going through something very similar, and now, whilst I am finding my way out of it and back to me, it is interesting to read other people's account of a similar experience. It is so clear to me now, in retrospect, but if I had read this when I was in the midst of it I am not all that sure I would have understood.

    I salute you, for your insight and honesty. You seem a very strong woman, Stina. Hang in there, keep focusing on what you want, what you need, and what makes you happy. You, and I, will both find ourselves soon.

    Best wishes (and a hug)
    from a Norwegian living in London (so I relate to living away from one's close network, in a somewhat unfamiliar environment)

    And just for the record – your blog keeps inspiring me, with every photo and every post. Thank you.

  6. You just described my life in a way!! I'm more or less I the same situation as you, the difference is I had to move to Hong Kong wich I'm sure is even more child-unfriendly then Zürich! It's a lot less space and a lot more people lol! I to was pretty much alone my entire pregnancy, as I decided to give birth in Sweden (it being my first child I wanted to be close to my family and friends), and my husband had to be in Hong Kong for work! After the birth I was in Sweden for the first five months of our sons life taking care of him all by my self (of course I had my family to help me, but I can be very stubborn and had this need to "prove" to everyone I was capable of doing it myself). Once I got back to Hong Kong it was pretty much as you described above, my husband travels a LOT and when he is "home" he comes home quite late! So I've been stuck at home with our ever so energetic and lovely son, who at his development stages has been extremely whiny and clingy! He is 15 months soon and still doesn't sleep through the night! I love him more then I can put to words and nothing makes me happy as seeing him being happy, but raising him pretty much all by myself has definitely been the biggest challenge in my life!! I do miss Sweden, my friends and family a whole lot, not to mention having my "own life"!! I've had thoughts of me moving back with our son and maybe try to live as a family in separate parts of the world but I know it will be to much for us to handle at the end, as the distance is too far! Before I had my son coming to Sweden (even though its a 16-17 hour flight) wasn't that difficult for me, but having a very playful and active child as a "travel partner" makes things a bit harder!! So I totally understand you and am at a similar situation as you are, there is so much I want to do but will I be able to do it in Hong Kong, away from "everyone" and all the comforts that I'm used to! Thanks for writing this, and "letting me know" that I'm not alone :-)

  7. Stort tack Stina för ett öppet och ärligt meddelande. Jag har följt dig i ca 5 år och helt klart känns det verkligen som du varit med om mycket. Ibland kan det vara svårt som läsare att förstå, då du (vilket är naturligt) så klart mest skriver om de ljusa ögonblicken. Men nog har man känt på sig att det inte varit helt lätt att flytta utomlands. Du var ju väldigt etablerad här i Sthlm med familj, vänner, jobb etc.

    Jag känner igen mig i de delarna som handlar om att man blir lite låg i energi och ”inte sig själv” då man är mammaledig. För mig så blev livet ljusare när jag började jobba faktiskt. Att få vara mig själv och inte bara mamma på dagarna, vara behövd, en kugge i ett maskineri, få cred av chefen och kunder, ha på sig jobbkläder, gå på damrummet själv , äta lunch med vänner… men mest att få arbeta med hjärnan och göra annat än leva i den praktiska världen. Så min reflektion och mitt enkla råd till dig är att se om du kan hitta någon typ av sysselsättnig, kanske halvtid. Tyvärr tror jag inte det räcker att vara egen företagare och jobba hemifrån, du behöver kollegor och sånt. Kanske ambassaden, exportrådet, Svea, svenska kyrkan? Eller KANSKE om du inte har någon prestige och bara vill komma iväg, fråga om de behöver någon hjälp i någon butik, Chanel kanske?  Vem skulle vara bättre där än du?

    Stort lycka till, tack för inlägget och glöm inte det du själv säger, att efter regn kommer solsken och ofta när man känner att nu faskiken ger jag upp, så lurar en lösning bakom kröken. Ladda ned the secret och lyssna igen, läs God wears lipstick, du har alla verktygen det vet jag för du har ju lärt mig allt om em.

    / Katarina

  8. Stort tack Stina för ett öppet och ärligt meddelande. Jag har följt dig i ca 5 år och helt klart känns det verkligen som du varit med om mycket. Ibland kan det vara svårt som läsare att förstå, då du (vilket är naturligt) så klart mest skriver om de ljusa ögonblicken. Men nog har man känt på sig att det inte varit helt lätt att flytta utomlands. Du var ju väldigt etablerad här i Sthlm med familj, vänner, jobb etc.

    Jag känner igen mig i de delarna som handlar om att man blir lite låg i energi och ”inte sig själv” då man är mammaledig. För mig så blev livet ljusare när jag började jobba faktiskt. Att få vara mig själv och inte bara mamma på dagarna, vara behövd, en kugge i ett maskineri, få cred av chefen och kunder, ha på sig jobbkläder, gå på damrummet själv , äta lunch med vänner… men mest att få arbeta med hjärnan och göra annat än leva i den praktiska världen. Så min reflektion och mitt enkla råd till dig är att se om du kan hitta någon typ av sysselsättnig, kanske halvtid. Tyvärr tror jag inte det räcker att vara egen företagare och jobba hemifrån, du behöver kollegor och sånt. Kanske ambassaden, exportrådet, Svea, svenska kyrkan? Eller KANSKE om du inte har någon prestige och bara vill komma iväg, fråga om de behöver någon hjälp i någon butik, Chanel kanske?  Vem skulle vara bättre där än du?

    Stort lycka till, tack för inlägget och glöm inte det du själv säger, att efter regn kommer solsken och ofta när man känner att nu faskiken ger jag upp, så lurar en lösning bakom kröken. Ladda ned the secret och lyssna igen, läs God wears lipstick, du har alla verktygen det vet jag för du har ju lärt mig allt om em.

    / Katarina

  9. Thank you for sharing this. I don't have any children yet, but unfortunately I had depressions in the past. So I know these feelings. Did you ever think about starting a psychotherapy? How about employing a nanny to have more time for yourself? Once a week I'm meeting my Pilates personal trainer. She makes me feel comfortable. For me this is a great way to relax and to get distracted from bad thoughts.

    Take care!

  10. Tack för denna bloggpost! Jag känner verkligen igen din situation, även om den ligger många år tillbaka i tiden :-). Omställningen att flytta till ett annat land till en relativt ny partner och dessutom en liten bebis är enorm! Speciellt om ens tillvaro hemma har varit tillfredsställande vad gäller socialt kontaktnät och framförallt förmågan att kunna göra sig förstådd överallt, närsomhelst. Min erfarenhet är den, att efter drygt ett halvår (ett halvår bestående av ändlösa, tårfyllda telefonsamtal till Sverige och hemska gräl med min partner), så "satte sig" tillvaron på något vis. Jag forcerade inte processen så mycket, hade helt enkelt inte ork till det, men en dag satt jag där och insåg att jag hade några mycket, mycket goda vänner i Schweiz, jag skrattade igen från hjärtat och livet började rulla på. Jag hade fortfarande bra kontakt med mina vänner och familj i Sverige (vi hade aldrig råd att åka hem och hälsa på) och det det var nog också delvis rädslan att jag skulle förlora dem som helt enkelt drev mig in i en depression. Det är inte lätt att tänka rationellt när det är så mycket nytt som händer. Låt det ta tid, det får ta tid. Som du säger, det kommer att passera.
    Sköt om dig!

  11. Dear Stina, thank you for a very honest post, beautiful in its serenity and insight-fullness.

    While not a mother myself, I recognize the empty feeling of having left your home, family and friends to be with the man you love, and settling someplace new. Six years on all I can tell you is that it will get better. At least for me, what helped was finding something of my own to do, finding my own circle of friends that were not his, and creating a new everyday life. Something for yourself, whether it's a course, a job, or something you always wished to do help create a purpose, which in my case was what I needed. I realize that being a mother is, in itself, a purpose, but perhaps something which is only 'Stina's' could do wonders. "Creating" yourself someplace new is a lot like needing to re-discover who you are, as many times, our friends and family and having them close is a large part of who we are as person. However, a journey like that, I believe, makes us stronger. You will feel stronger.

    All the best,

  12. Thank you for sharing such a brutally honest post. I completely understand the struggle between the need to be private and the desire to be honest in blogging. It is such a fine line hence I admire you for your courage. I probably would have typed the entire post, only to delete it instead of posting it.
    I guess I am not alone. Your life sounds much like mine although my kids are a older now. I'm Asian, married with a German. The first country we lived in together was not our own. Not only did we have to get accustomed to being a married couple but we had a foreign land thrown in the equation as well. Needless to say, it was a rough first three years of marriage! Our first child was born there. From thereon, we moved seven more times, five of which were international moves spanning continents, and had two more children. All this took place within two decades and we still have our fair share of struggles and the only consolation is we get better at dealing with the issues. So long as love is alive, respect for one another is present, no one takes the other for granted, the desire to resolve issues is far greater than throwing in the towel, laughter is more prevalent than silence, all will be well. You will be well, Stina.
    P.S. I only chanced upon your blog a little over a month ago while I was vacationing in Europe. I love your personal style, but most of all, I appreciate your transparency.

  13. Tack för en öppet och ärligt meddelande. Jag älskar hur pass ärlig du är med svårigheterna att vara förälder. Många gånger under mitt barns första år grät jag för att jag någonstans hade tappat bort mig själv, min egen person. När ska jag få vara jag och bara jag?! Visst vet man att när man skaffar barn så innebär det en stor uppoffring av ens eget liv och i det långa loppet är det värt det (för de flesta av oss).

    Livet, vad är meningen med livet, kan jag tänka ibland? Att läsa stora filosofer och deras syn på meningen med livet hjälper dock inte mig. Meningen är något vi alla måste hitta själva. Individuellt till en början för att sedan kunna dela "kollektivt" med en eller flera andra personer.

    Jag hoppas att du kommer tillbaka med dubbel styrka och ett stabilt inre.
    Du är en förebild för många av oss.
    Tack Stina, tack.

  14. Stina,
    Thank you for sharing this - I really hope you'll feel better soon.


  15. Jag har följt din blogg länge, du är så klok. Just nu känner jag som du, också mammaledig, så dina ord gav mig styrka nu. Skönt att läsa och känna igen sig och veta att jag inte är ensam i det jag känner. Hoppas allt känns bättre snart! Kram Johanna

  16. May i say being a stay at home mom is the toughest job in the world? I live in the US and we only have 6 weeks of maternity leave...yes 6 "weeks"of paid leave (if one wantsto 3 months, you goand without pay). On top of that the paid leave is NOT even 100%. I work in a corporate environment and thats the wonderful benefit we receive.

    I am not a stay at home mom but i can imagine the joy/happiness/frustration/depression/anger and a feeling of all sort when one tends to the constant physical and emotional demand of a child 24/7 around the clock everyday. It is not easy or always pleasant. I have a great respect for all single parents and stay at home parents out there because i know i lack if patience and mentality to do this duty. During my first two years of motherhood, those were the hardest adjustment period. I cried and whined a lot on top of having countless emotional breakdown. I also live far away from my family, they all live in Asia while i moved here to the US due to my husband. It is not easy to give up what you have to start all over again.

    I think what may help you is to seek some "me time". Perhaps your little guy can go to preschool a day or two a week so that it gives you a small break. Hope everything will work out soon for you health wise along with other challenges you have been facing.

  17. I chanced upon your blog not long ago but I love your style and your "voice". I am a working mum myself. I haven't suffered from depression but can be introspective. While I was on leave, I got a feel for what it was like to look after the children all day, be "cut off" from things, to not have the stimulation of being in a busy environment where there are people to talk to and things to distract you. It leads to introspection and I can see how issues you have can become bigger. I have no easy answer but wanted to say thank you for sharing. It almost seems like you need an office, a new project, a community, or a new purpose (as the other commenters have said).

    I wanted to say: I now read your blog regularly; thank you for bringing beautiful images into our lives, for telling us your stories, for sharing your pretty things. It makes me happy to read your blog and to me, at least, you are making a difference in my life.

  18. Hang on in there Stina! Styrkekramar

  19. My dear dear Stina. When I left my country to go to Zurich for the work of my husband (we stayed there for 4 years) and I travelled like you to return to my town, I felt EXACTLY what you are at the moment. I think that I was depressed even I did'nt want to admit it. I had not a child to take care, and sometimes we returned the week end at "home". So during the week, I was alone, waiting for my husband late also, and afer having done shopping, walked a lot to the lake, to the town, cooked, etc I was so tired.. and worse of all it was extremely difficult for me very open mind, to adapt with the Swiss German.... I should not say that to you because your man is obliged to stay there for his job, but with and for my husband also it was very difficult to accept the Swiss German mentality and we HAD to ! So I dont' known what to answer to your beautiful text, so deep, so honnest as you are all the time with us: may be only that you have to stay a little bit more in Sweden when returning there, with your parents, friends and habits of life. You would have been happier in the French part of Switzerland (Geneva town not in the country) for example) and may be once, M could return and find a job there where his parents are. For sure even the town is smaller and you dont have so many intellectual and new ways for exhibitions etc etc, you would be more in your mood with the French mentality. In any way you have a wonderful little Alexis, your hormones etc changed and it's normal to get depressed in a town which is far away from your life. Continue to fight with yourself and find a way to leave more often and mainly more longer to Sweden. It cannot be bad for the couple,M will be still more in love when finding back the Stina he has known before and it's true what said MAS last' comment, leave your little one to the preschool some days or find a little job in in beauty sphere even it's not so prestigious than Marelli. Time will arrange things for you but do not fall into depression like I had, because the medicins made myself dependent... It does not worth for you so pretty, so intelligent and strong, in one word you have the strenght mentaly and you will arrive to find the way to follow. A new challenge but it's worth it with all the love you have around you. I am sharing very strongly what you feel dear Stina. You will arrive for sure to find the good choice. Love

  20. Väldigt öppet och fint inlägg. Jag har själv gått igenom vad du går igenom att flytta till ett annat land och att allt är så ensamt och man får börja om socialt. I början är det en honeymoon phase och staden är ny, intressant, spännande etc, sedan börjar man undra vad man gett sig in på och man längtar tillbaka till "sin" stad, i mitt fall också Stockholm. Hang in there Stina!
    Du kommer ut starkare på andra sidan. Jag har också gått igenom IVF och fått beskedet från läkare att jag inte kan få barn, jag ser dig som ett levande bevis på att läkarna kan ha fel och att mirakel sker! så se det som en blessing att du fick lilla Alexis och kan pigga upp andra och ge mig hopp! :) Kram och hoppas det går över fort och att ni hittar en lösning.

  21. I live in London and have been for the last 12-ish years. Also have a 15 month old daughter and I never realised how hard it is to live in a different country without your parents and family nearby. I consider London my home and would never want to move back to Stockholm, but I do miss the comfort and security of the Swedish way of living, with affordable childcare and great maternity pay. Astrid, my daughter, has been going to nursery for the last 5 months and even though it is supersexpensive, I feel it is a must as she LOVES it and I get "days off" from being a mum and do things that I like. I know it might sound selfish but I need to do things that are good for my family and I think we all need that. I like shopping, having lunch with friends, going to museums and that is what I do on my days off. Sometimes I just sit in front of the television and watch junk-tv all day until its time to pick A up. It's important to find yourself and do what is right for you and your family. I hope you feel much better soon and remember that we all have times when we feel like this. I have spring and Christmas depressions every year and they last a few weeks, but they do go away every time. Lots of kisses xxxxx

  22. Öppet och ärligt, Tack Stina för detta inlägg.

    En stor kram,

    Ann-Cathrine, Finland

  23. Hi Stina,
    I appreciate that you are so honest, but it is hard for me to understand you. I have a similar situation to you: I live in Zürich because my man works and lives here. I have a university degree but I could not find a "good job" even though I am fluent in german (and 3 other languages) because I have no contacts here and I guess because swiss firms rather hire swiss people. So I work a very exhausting and badly paid job. You seem to have so much money and can allow yourself to live a wonderful life that I will never have, you need to know that you belong to a minority. Most people here cannot stop working for such a long time or hire a nanny and afford all the luxury you can. You are extremely lucky and I do envy you for that. A lot of people don't have the luxury to think like you because they just have to get up early to work hard every day. I think it's nice that you have a wealthy background & partner but you should not consider it normal.
    All the best,

    1. This is unbelievable! We have the same name and are in the same situation! Of course, I don't even have an exhausting underpaid job, despite my university degrees an fluency in German and other languages. But I live in the province, in the small city of St. Gallen. I moved here 1 and a half year ago, because my husband found his dream job here. But I haven't found ANY job. I can see depression threatening me every day. My first reaction to Stina's post was exactly the same. But I think she nevertheless needs some support. As we all do!
      I hope everything works out well for you! I was really touched by the similarities in your and my life and the fact that we have the same name....

      Best regards,

  24. Stina, I just wanted to tell you that I liked your post, as well as in gereral I like your beautiful posts and your beautiful pictures.

    Nicole, Germany
    BTW there was a time when my husband wanted to live in Zürich, he was working there at that time (flying home on weekends). I didn´t want to move there and made him quit his job because I wanted him to be home to spend more time with his son (at that time very young). Big mistake & one of the reasons why we are divorced now....

  25. Stina,
    This is one of the best posts !!!

  26. Dear Stina,
    It's a very brave thing opening up like you do, and above all: daring to feel that way, to address those feeling AND sharing them! I haven't been through exactly the same things you talk about, but similar ones and I can totally relate to the feelings of being lost and to try to find oneself again. Not the easiest thing to do. But as you write, that too shall pass, and you will come through this as a stronger and wiser, and more fabulous person. Just hang in there!

  27. Thank you for your honesty, this has inspired me in ways unimaginable.

    Good luck for the future x

  28. Jag har precis flyttat själv från Stockholm till Zürich för två veckor sedan och det är så jag känner också. Det är en tröst att veta att man inte är ensam, samt att det kommer att bli bättre. Om inte annat, så kommer våren snart :-)!

  29. Vilket o e r h ö r t fint inlägg! Man blir tagen av din ärlighet och dina ord. Du är genuint stark, begåvad och så mänsklig och varm i dina ord. Tusen tack för detta. Önskar dig och din familj det bästa möjliga, motgångar kommer alltid och du om någon klarar detta. Uta med flera skriver så klokt till dig. Måste läsa detta flera gånger och ta in din visdom än en gång. Vet inte om mina råd är ngt du behöver så jag hoppar över det. Men ett vill jag skriva, din inre röst och känsla talar om vad du behöver göra, lyssna och känn efter. Ang min önskan om videoinlägg så känns det inte viktigt när jag läser detta.. Du ger så mkt av dig till oss ändå. Kram

  30. Skickar en kram via cyberrymden!!

  31. Hej!

    Jag känner igen mig mycket i det du skriver, jag har en situation som lite påminner om din även om det bara är en ny stad och inget nytt land och även om din tillvaro verkar lite lyxigare;). Men jag har tidigare också haft ett äventyrligt liv och alltid tagit väldigt väl hand om mig själv och min egen utveckling och prioriterar nu främst barnen.

    Samtidigt som jag är oerhört glad över att jag har möjlighet att vara del av mina barns första år, så känner jag att det på något sätt finns något osunt i de isolerade situationen jag är i i den nya staden jag flyttat till. Jag brukar ha lätt att lära känna människor och njuta av det, men plötsligt känns sociala happenings jag far i iväg till krystade. Jag känner inte att jag har något eget jag att tillföra på något sätt- mycket av det som är eller var jag är liksom nedtonat och undanträngt. Allt känns lite falskt och samtalen blir så ytliga och trista. Jag har säkert en egen del i detta och så småningom hittar jag säkert rätt men det är så drygt innan dess.

    Tänk om iallafall en av mina gamla vänner fanns där någon som kände de där bitarna i min personlighet som slumrar lite nu

    Ja, det är helt rätt att inte fastna i det ledsna och sura, kul om en tjej som skrev i kommentarerna om hur det lossnat för henne på ny ort. Tänker att mammarollen kanske kommer rymma mer av min egen personlighet med åren också när barnen blir äldre handlar det ju mer om att hitta på saker ihop än att vyssja, amma och vagga. Något som jag tror är en bra grej är just arbete. Har nu jobbat halvtid några månader på ett riktigt kul jobb och tycker att det är ett lyft, bättre än terapi skulle jag säga.

    Lycka till med Zürich jag har varit där och förstår lite dina dubbla känslor.

  32. Massa kramar & kärlek till dig Stina❤

  33. I have been in your shoes Stina. I am also a thinker, analysier and a woman with tenticles reaching so far it makes me crazy! I react to everything around me and am very sensitie at heart. Alot of times I wish I could turn my brain and feelings off and just live and be happy!

    I too, moved from Sweden to another country (USA) for my man leaving everything behind. I use that against my now husband all the time - in the beginning more seriously now more are a joke. Before I took the plunge I knew my man pretty well, we didn't have any children together and life was a little more care-free then. But boy was it hard, being a forner in a new country with another culture, different type of food, style and traditions - even though I spoke the language. I missed my family and friends sooo much. I would cry on the phone and compare EVERYTHING to Sweden.

    What helped me, was to analyse my feelings and comepare to what my life would have been if we decided to live in Sweden instead. At first everything was better in Sweden, but little by little I would understand that many of my struggles was within myself. It wouldn't matter where I live and with whom I would marry - it all came down to myself.

    Sweden isn't all that perfect, it's dark and cold many months of the year, people are fairly judgemental, your suppose to fit in to this stereotype profile and if you are different you kind of stick out. It's good to sometimes think of not only the great things about Sweden, but also of it's flaws. Only then can you see the positive things about another country.

    Another think that helped me TREMENDOUSLY was SWEA. I highly recommend you reach out to them in your town ( also visit The women there all come from the same place, most of them for the same reason. This organization became even more important after having children when thoughts of meaning with life, passing down once heritage and family values come to its pinpoint and everything is turend up-side down! Many of my SWEA sisters helped me without even knowing how depressed I was. I am too very private and didn't share all my deepest thoughts with them.

    I think you also should look into the possiblity to visit with a therapist, someone who can help you sort though your emotions and give you tools to help you manage your feelings when they get too dark and to complicated. Even medicine should not be a forn subject. Sometimes in life those are the tools you need to get over the hump. Depression a very complicated disease, shold be taken seriously and can be just like diabetes - something that needs to be treated medically.

    Work is also something that is a lifeline to me. I have worked fulltime from the day I moved to USA. Though both my pregancy only taking 6 months maternity leave with both. It has helped me integrate to the system, the society and culture. However I have always been very proud of my heritage, I am extreamly patriotic and you can probably spot me from faaaaar away that I am a Swede, and always will be.

    I think by you being so open on your blog - you are helping so many other women out there. Just look at all the wonderful replies you have gotten today. As you can see, you are not alone. Women are going though the same thing right this moment and women like myself who has been there and can share the techniques on who to get back to the britgh side again. Well done Stina!

    Best of luck!

  34. So here's another swede living outside Sweden and far away from parents and inlaws (all ar in Stockholm) and struggling with the challenges of having kids in a place with no help from grandparents. Luckily I moved to England way before I had kids and I do love England. HOWEVER, having children changes everything. From your relationship with your partner to your feelings/dreams/goals for yourself. You have gone through a massive change of moving abroad too, that puts a strain on relationships and feelings too! It takes a little while to find some normality, so give it time :) simple. Right? I wish! All I can say is, like others have said before, make sure you start your "own" life so you cn feel happy in yourself. Being a mother is the best thing in the world but also the single most exhausting job in the world too. I can honestly say that we are all a better family because the kids are in kindergarten, I am "me" again. I love the fact that I do not need to talk/think/worry about feeds and nappies all day. It is apparent in yout posts that you loved your job, why not try to find something along those lines in Zurich?

    And you know what, the relationship with M will get back to normal, you all need the time to adjust to the big change that is kids and routine and exhaustion!

    Btw, thanks for replying to my question about under eye circles! Will have to think about injections, and try to overcome my fear of them:)

  35. Good luck, Stina. I have a lot of experience of moving between countries, and most recently I witnessed the reactions of my southern European man who moved to live with me in this Northern country. Moving abroad is hard and after the honeymoon phase comes the terrible phase of alienation and depression. I have suffered it, my man suffered it when he moved to my country. It is terrible and very hard on everything, relationships suffer during this phase. It can also be really long. But if you get through it, you are likely to experience a wonderful phase of acceptance and finally, partially at least assimilation (you will realize that you are no longer fully Swedish, but also a little bit Swiss, but most importantly, that you feel serene and calm and happy in your new country). Another aspect is the not working part. I do not think I could ever do it - I am a mother and I was on mother's leave for a period, and it was not easy on me mentally. I am much much happier now that I am working, and I think that makes me a better wife and mother too. My mother had a career as well so I guess that is what I am imitating, as I have always felt very loved and protected (by BOTH my parents). But each to his or her own and each family has to make the choice that makes sense in their situation. Anyway, good luck and if you can, get a job that you enjoy in your new city. It will make integration easier.


  36. Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
    Sydney J. Harris

    Relax, and don't overthink things, it's very destructive.

  37. Dear Stina, thank you for sharing!

  38. do you speak german now? to live in a country and can not speak the language, is very feel like an you go shopping alone?

  39. Kjære Stina, tusen takk for at du deler! Jeg leste innlegget med en klump i halsen og beundrer deg veldig, ikke bare for at du beskriver hva mange andre også kjenner på. Men for at du er et stort forbilde og virker som en genuint flott menneske, med omtanke for andre.
    Ønsker det aller beste, håper du snart finner tilbake.
    Varm hilsen fra Norge.

  40. Thank you for sharing this post, I hope everything will come to it's place for you very soon. Love, xxx

  41. Modigt och mitt i prick!

  42. Stina thank u for sharing! so nice to read that i am not alone. i also live abroad with a baby. i think people expect you to be super happy in some sort of domestic bliss. i love my child more than anything but staying at home drives me crazy. i miss work! and i miss ME- being a mom u have to give up a part of yourself for awhile. so what do i do? i stay at home, yes, i cook, play with the baby, go to the park but i also have nanny so that i can work from home, go out for lunch with friends etc. some think this is bad- that i am not a 24 seven mom- i am not - a couple of hours i day i do other things. that way i am happy, relaxed and totally focued on the baby when we spend time together. my breaks keeps me sane - u gotta balance being a mom & being you. happy mom = happy baby

  43. Din text griper mig. Känner igen mig i mycket. Mitt råd är att du ska åka hem till Stockholm så ofta det behövs, just nu, om du bara orkar. Känner så varmt för dig. Stor kram och tack för dina ord!

  44. Dear Stina, I respect you so much. Such an inspiring personality. You express yourself so weel, so smoothly. This entry touched me so much. I want to thank you for sahring all those anecdotes, ideas, feelings, reflections with us. Hope to see you one day


  45. Dear Stina, I respect you so much. Such an inspiring personality. You express yourself so weel, so smoothly. This entry touched me so much. I want to thank you for sahring all those anecdotes, ideas, feelings, reflections with us. Hope to see you one day


  46. I understand you, I'm also in Switzerland and have similar feelings like you... I'll have to leave sooner or later in order to stay sain - Thanks and how well you put words on these sort of feelings.

  47. Stark skrivet. Du verkar vara en så klok och stark kvinna.
    Håller tummarna för att det blir nerförsacke för dig snart, försöker själv att hitta min backe.. Men som du säger den enda som kan göra förändring i ditt liv är du själv, tufft men sant.

  48. Lovely Stina,
    Thank you for letting us in. At least a little bit. I have read your blog for a couple of years. We were pregnant at the same time with due-date a couple of days apart. Discovering your blog made a difference to me. I have never commented earlier, but now I just needed to. I moved to the other side of the world when I was 20 weeks pregnant. Left everyone behind with my love, and we thought we were unbreakable. We were not. Complications during pregnancy and illness led to a premature baby and hospital for months. My nearest family and my beloved friends were a 30 hour flight away. Following your blog through this period gave me strength. I cant really say why, but it lit up my day. Reading your honest labor story and reading about your struggles made me feel better, thank you for sharing.
    I know that you are in a difficult period right now. I also know that it will pass. I dont really think you need my assurance, because you reflect very well yourself. Still, I will assure you that life in Zürich will change to the better. It might be difficult, but use your new friends for what theyre worth. If they are real friends, they will be there for you.
    My new friends in my new city always told me: This too shall pass. I definitely think it did. I have never struggled as hard as I did that first year all alone with my husband being away most of the time and I have never been as grateful for experiencing just that.
    Thank you for writing and sharing. Your honesty makes me extremely humble.
    With love, K

  49. Som så många av de som kommenterat här ovan känner jag igen mig i det du skriver.
    Jag kom fram till att jag genomgick ett slags sorgearbete. En del av mitt liv var borta. Mitt liv innan jag fick barn. Inte för att jag skulle vilja byta tillbaka på något sätt och vis, men jag gillade mitt liv med min man innan vår son. Plötsligt var det borta och ett nytt liv hade börjat. Med betoning på nytt. Nytt för mig, nytt för min man, nytt för oss. Det är som med nya snygga skor; de är inte alltid bekväma till att börja med, man får gå in dem. För de är ju så fina :)

  50. Thank you for sharing! I too feel drained these days. Lots of hugs from me to you! Anette

  51. This to, will pass! I believe we are sacrificing a small piece of ourself just to find out something stronger and more beautiful. We feel, struggle, cry and fight. Building up walls just to tear them down again. Slowly we will approach our new status that motherhood and other new life roles entail. I admire your honesty. I feel strength and togetherness when I am reading your words. Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts! <3

  52. Du har genomgått så stora förändringar på så kort tid, så jag tror att det är fullständigt naturligt att det kommer en "backlash".

    Jag tror att du behöver hitta yrkeskvinnan Stina igen och med det en viktig del av din identitet. Sen är egna vänner ett absolut måste. Jag får känslan att du ändå hittat några stycken som du tycker om där nere - dela dina funderingar med dem och låt dem få bli en välbehövlig support.

    Jag är också övertygad om att du tar dig igenom den här tuffa perioden just för att du är en tänkande, reflekterande med också en handlingens person.
    Lite vårvärme på det också så är du i mål :-)

    Stor kram från mig.

  53. Tack för fint inlägg, men vad vi upplever är svårt är ju olika från person till person. Jag tycker du ska fokusera på det du har. Många vänner, din familj i livet, gott om pengar för att unna dig det goda med mat, resor och kläder etc. Vill ge dig perspektiv: Själv är jag hemma med en som är lika gammal som din son, har sambo som sliter för låg lön. Vi kan aldrig gå ut, köpa oss något fint eller unna oss guldkant på tillvaron. Vi sliter för att få mat för dagen, och pangar till hyran och ge vårt barn ngt nytt då och då. Har inte varit utomlands på flera år. Samtidigt har vi båda varit närstående till våra mammor som med kort mellanrum gått bort i cancer helt nyligen. Även båda våra pappor gick bort i cancer för några år sedan. Så, det som upplevs som jobbigt är verkligen olika.

    1. Känslan av att tappa en del av sin identitet är nog lika smärtsam oavsett om man sliter för hyran eller ej. Att få perspektiv på sin situation är naturligtvis gott, men jag tror Stina är medveten och tacksam för de tillgångar och den livsstil hon lever. Men som vi alla vet kan materiell välfärd inte läka en orolig själv, det drabbar oss alla oavsett inkomst.
      Jag förstår din poäng, men den verkartyvärr inte särskilt relevant.

  54. Hej! Vilket tänkvärt inlägg och vilka intressanta kommentarer!! Ja, det är verkligen svårt att få ihop livspusslet och finna en mening i allt. Och oavsett vad man har, eller inte har, så tror jag alla har sin beskärda del av bekymmer. Förstår till fullo ditt behov av ett liv utanför "vara mamma". Tror majoriteten har behov av det, på olika sätt, och att grundpelaren till att vara en bra mamma/människa är att själv trivas med tillvaron och få fyllt sina andra behov också. Att ha ett jobb (eller annan sysselsättning) som man trivs med är också superviktigt, men även detta är så svårt. Det är ju ofta så att man får ta det jobb man får/behålla det man har, eftersom räkningarna också ska betalas. Men skulle inte du kunna starta eget i liten skala i Zürich? Eller åka till Stockholm en vecka i månaden/varannan månad och jobba? Fast du har säkert redan tänkt på allt detta. Lämna familj och vänner är inte heller ett lätt val. Varken för dem eller för dig (för oh, vad man saknar sina nära vänner som flyttat långt iväg!!). Men jag tror som du och de flesta andra att allting löser sig. Och försöker man bara tänka positivt och fokusera på det som är underbart och bra så kommer allt det "praktiska" att ordna sig med tiden. Och kommer solen och värmen också så blir hela livet ljusare och gladare :-) So hang in there! MVH Laila

  55. Thank you so much for sharing!

    As all the others, I recognize the situation and found my self in a similar situation seven years ago in Germany. For me, it ended with breaking up the relationship, quitting the job and going back to Sthlm. I have never regret that, BUT my situation was another. I did not have children, and most importantly, I was not enough in love. I think that if you really love your man, you can manage most things and you want to also.

    I lived in Germany for seven years, and at the end I started blaming my boyfriend for everything that was wrong with Germany in comparison to sweden. That is not fair, it was my own decision to stay. I also think it is important to separate what really has to do with that you live abroad and what has to do with other circumstances. You have been staying home for over a year with your child. As I was on maternity leave, I was up and down all the time, one moment drinking coffee, preparing dinners was all I wanted, and the other second I missed my professional live so much and did not really know who I was any longer. I think for sure that your should start working again. Get a life outside your home, and away from your child. To be home is hard, undependandly of if you are in Sweden or Switzerland.

    Just give it some time, I am sure that you will feel different once you started working, and has learnt the language (you definitely need that). But I want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel, and it is hard to go around and compare all the time, and miss a lot of people all the time, it makes you crazy.

    All the best and thank you for a blog that really inspires me in many ways!

    Best, Åsa

  56. Thank you Stina for this honest, sad and yet so inspiring post!

    I am from Austria, my husband is Australian and we now live in Sydney. We plan to be here for a few years and then return to Europe to start a family. I truly love it here and I have everything I could possible wish for but it just isn't "home". I miss my family and friends everyday and sometimes it physically hurts to not be part of their everyday life.

    But at the same time I am just trying to be strong and thankful and enjoy the wonderful things I do have close to me - my husband, many friends and family, an amazing city, a beach view apartment, my job as an interior designer which I love... Some days its easier, some days its harder being happy and positive.

    You are such a beautiful and talented woman and an inspiration to so many of us, thank you so much for that.

    All the best


  57. Dear Stina,

    I have been in the situation living in a foreign country, without friends in the beginning many times. And I know it is so hard! However, it can all change very suddenly when you start to develop more deep relationships and get to know the culture. As others have said, it is a normal phase you are going through, in the beginning you start to detest everything in the new culture, and you see your own country through rosy glasses. However, if you were to move back to Sweden, you would probably see, that life is not perfect there, either, and in fact Zurich has its advantages as well:).

    I would also recommend finding a good psychotherapist (with a psychoanalytic orientation). For me, it has been one of the best decisions I have made in my life (even though I don't have any "serious" psychiatric illness). It is so helpful to get to know how your subconscious mind affects your thinking, everyday life and decisions! It can truly change your life and it is a relief to know you are not alone with your problems, there are people who are trained to help you with them. Even though talking with your friends is important too, it is not the same.

    I wish you all the luck, courage and good thing for the spring, It will all be well, I'm sure:).

  58. Thank you for sharing. I am one of those who almost never comment but still, your blog is my favorite blog. It is so inspiring, reflective and beautiful.

    I hope that what people say, that it's just a phase, is true. I'm about to move back to Stockholm (not my home town), because of my husband has a job there and my job I can do anywhere so I'm coming along.. I really hope that I can be happy there.

    Actually, I know everything will be fine and really, great. For you and me!


  59. Kära Stina.

    Jag har följt din fina blogg i många år nu. Ibland kommenterar jag men ofta läser jag bara dina ord, tittar på dina bilder och inspireras av dig. Jag är så glad att jag hittat din blogg. Tack för det fantastiska fotot av A och Tiger (senaste inlägget). Det värmde mitt hjärta! Och Tack för att du delar med dig av ditt liv, på de vis du föredrar.

    När jag läste ditt inlägg fylldes mina ögon av tårar. Förändringar är jobbiga. Och Familjen och nära vänner är så oerhört viktiga. Dom är en viktig del av din identitet. När du själv vacklar så är det dom som fortfarande vet vem du är och som kan leda dig rätt igen.

    Jag har själv gått igenom några extremt jobbiga år då jag inte tillät mig att stanna upp och bearbeta det som hände i mitt liv. Skilsmässa och kort därefter ett destruktivt förhållande med diverse ingredienser som slutligen höll på att kasta mig ut för ett stup bara för att jag sprang på så snabbt som det behövdes och med blicken stadigt fäst framåt. Slutligen hann min själ ifatt mig och fick stopp på mig. Sedan fick jag sätta mig ner, ta hand om pusselbitarna och laga mig själv. Jag blev Stina 2.0, en bättre version av mig själv. Och min familj och mina vänner hjälpte mig.

    Jag inser att det i dag är 3 och ett halvt år senare. Idag jag mår bra, jag har ett bra liv igen. Det kommer du också att göra, det vet du och alla andra kloka läsare.

    Du ska lyssna till hjärtats röst, Stina. Och även om du inte kan följa den rösten helt och fullt så kan du lyssna, inspireras och kompromissa. Då tror jag att du hittar rätt stig igen.
    Och det är ju motgångarna som i slutänden gör oss ännu starkare och klokare.

    Var rädd om dig! Du är fantastisk!

    (en annan) Stina

  60. Har följt dig genom din blogg i många år. Inspirerats av den starka och härliga kvinna du är.
    Det var du som fick mig när jag var på ruinens brant att börja söka styrka genom positivt tänkande. Att finna en ny värld genom tankens kraft.
    Jag var bara ett skal, men trots ständiga motgångar, svikande omgivning och en extremt tuff tillvaro bet jag ihop och tänkte allt löser sig.
    "What goes around, comes around".

    Så rätt, så rätt!
    Idag är det jag som är stark, lever ett lyckligt, berikat liv och ser framtiden med ljusa ögon.

    Det kommer också du göra, du är stark, modig och har ett rejält driv inom dig. Ta bara allt i babysteps så kommer resten ordna sig.
    Och de gånger du är på väg in i negativitetens tänkande, vänd den genast och försök finna det positiva i allt i stället.
    Allting har en mening, inget sker av slumpen och det kommer alltid komma något gott ur det!

    Kämpa på Stina, starka beslutsamma babysteps!
    Kram NK

  61. Så fint och ärligt. I don't often comment, but after reading this, I felt I actually had to. I truly believe it's a good thing too emphasize the positive things in life and try to focus on them as much as possible. But nevertheless – sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it's hard and grey or even black, for various reasons - obvious or not. I think we need to acknowledge that, too. Sharing not only the beautiful and happy moments, but also the tough ones, is a help. Knowing that you're not alone in your struggles is a comfort.
    You're life seems so fantastic, from this blog, but of course it can't always be, you're a human being, you have your problems, as we all do. And it is brave to write about that. And surely a comfort to a lot of readers. Sometimes keeping up appearances is easier, or even necessary. But I think it's a great thing when people have the strength and courage to say "actually, I'm really not that fine at the moment".
    Good luck on your way back to your normal you. I'm confident you'll find her.

  62. Tack för att du delar med dig av dina tankar Stina!! Kramar

  63. Stina,

    Du anar inte hur mycket det betydde för mig att läsa det här inlägget! Tack för att du vågar vara så rak och ärlig.

    All kärlek och värme till dig!

  64. Hej!

    Vilket kanonbra inlägg!!!
    Personligt och utlämnande, något jag saknat i bloggen tidigare.

    Jag tror att du behöver variation. Att känna att du inte bara är behövd som mamma utan även som yrkesperson, du behöver en sysselsättning omänsklig det bara handlar om ett fåtal timmar per vecka så tror jag att det skulle göra stor skillnad.

    Kram och lycka till!

  65. Stina, jag och varenda vän jag har har alla gått igenom det du skriver, när vi blev mammor. Du har inte bara blivit mamma med allt det stora det innebär utan DESSUTOM flyttat och bytt land. Ta hand om dig och reflektera över de stora förändringar du gjort i ditt liv på väldigt kort tid. Hjärna, hjärta och kropp måste få chans att hänga med.

    Lite praktiska tips:
    Sova/ta igen sig/vila så fort man kommer åt.
    Tid för sig själv då och då med sånt som är stärkande och ger energi (träning, massage, prata med en god vän).
    Försöka få helikopterperspektiv och tänka som ett mantra att det är så kort tid det är så här kaosigt i det stora hela, men att det är så svårt att se det när man är mitt i det.

    Varm kram från mig,

  66. Hi Stina,

    It was so refreshing to read this part of your blog. I imagined your life to be porblem-free as you always seemed really happy. I thought that the answer to happiness was expensive designer bags, a gorgeous husband and travelling every weekend.

    I hope you feel better soon. You are right. Things can only get better. No matter how bad things seem, just realise that you have a man that loves you, a beautiful little boy, and the ability to buy all those lovely clothes! (which I wish I had too!)

    Thanks for making me feel that it's okay to feel bad about ones life, once in a while.

    All the Best.

  67. Hello Stina,

    I just discovered your blog and I realize this post is not new. I just wanted to let you know that I feel the exact same way. I live abroad, too, and can visit home only about once a month. Although I love traveling and it was my choice to move, I still sometimes regret it. The city I live in is technically perfect - it offers everything I need and you can live a very fun life here. But it's just not the same. It's not my culture. I'm not happy here, not the best version of myself.
    I have not been able to create good friendships over here at all. It has something to do with my university, it is very competitive and anonymous. In the meantime, I kind of lose my friends at home since I don't see them as often (a lot of them moved away as well). I honestly gave up in this city. I will try to make the best of it (but don't expect anything) and leave in 1-1,5 years. Not to where I came from but where my parents actually came from and where a lot of relatives of mine live. I realized that's my culture and where I really want to be. Everything happens for a reason.

    Also, I listen to a lot of web radio (my favorite station from home) and I can watch my home country's TV channels abroad as well. Both helps a lot! :) I encourage you to find something like a Swedish community in Zurich. People that speak your native language and know your culture and how you feel. Make sure to meet them once a week. And create a Swedish home, so that you feel like you're actually in Stockholm when you're in your apartment :)

    I wish you all the best!